In many damaging arguments we literally don’t know what we are fighting about. An conversation with Jim at work may start because he thought I didn’t need his report until tomorrow and escalate into an argument about why we don’t like to work with each other. A conflict with your spouse might begin with the purchase of some new clothes and escalate into a fight about misplaced priorities.
But what we often fail to address in our contentious conversations is the underlying problem—the root issue—at the heart of the argument. In the first example, the root issue might be that Jim and I are both worried that we’re about to lose the Gatorville account. In the second example, the underlying problem could be that you and your spouse are both concerned that you’ve recently committed to a vacation you really can’t afford. Instead of addressing root issues head-on and seeking workable solutions, we often burn precious time and energy fighting about matters only tangentially related to the actual problem. Worse, these conversations usually damage the underlying relationship and often create additional problems.
Three ideas will help you uncover a conversation’s root issue (or discover there’s not one) and act on it:
1. Determine the root cause yourself. Often you’ll instinctively know the root issue. If you do, start your next conversational turn by stating it and seeking agreement from your conversational partner. Once you have identified and agreed upon the root issue, make it the focus of your conversation. “I think we’re both worried about losing the Gatorville account? Do you agree? Let’s figure out ways to prevent this from happening.” Use the SLOW conversational technique if the root issue involves a sensitive issue.
2. Brainstorm it with your conversational partner. If you can’t figure out the root issue on your own, use your next turn in the discussion to ask for the other person’s help. “I think we should continue this conversation; we might be onto something important. Can you help me identify the underlying concern so we can try to solve it?” You should be able to state the root issue in one sentence: We’re worried we might lose the Gatorville account, or we’re worried that we can’t afford our vacation. Once you know what’s really driving the argument, work with your conversational partner to solve it (remember to contain the conversation, as necessary, to prevent damage).
3. Abandon heated conversations resulting from misunderstandings or tangents. If you and your conversational partner can’t locate the root issue and put it in an easily understandable sentence after a few minutes of serious effort, stop the conversation. It’s a sign that you don’t know what you’re arguing about, and it’s bad communication policy to expose any relationship to aimless arguments.
Don’t have contentious conversations without locating the root issue first. Rudderless arguments don’t solve problems, they create them.
Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.