Many issues that you currently consider as relationship problems are really communication problems instead. That’s good news, because communication deficiencies are easier to correct than relationship issues.

Your confrontations with Jim may have more to do with your poor questioning skills than with a larger relational issue. The tension you feel when you talk to Aunt Sarah may be because you’re rushing her responses, not because she’s hiding a secret from you.

Here’s how to separate relationship problems from communication problems:

  1. Evaluate interactions that fail. When a conversation escalates, is extremely awkward, or doesn’t go the way you want, first look for a communication explanation. Did you wander into a sensitive issue? Was your conversational partner distracted? Were you pressuring the other person for a response? If you find a communication explanation, stop looking for what’s wrong with the relationship.
  2. Fix the communication problem and see what happens. If you wandered into a sensitive issue, make a note to avoid it in the future. If you tried to chat with your partner while she was engaged with something else, find better times to talk. If you pressured someone for a response, ease up next time. Once you’ve addressed the communication problem, see if the issue improves or is eliminated.
  3. Consider a direct conversation for problems that remain. Although many relationship issues are really communication problems in disguise, poor communication isn’t always responsible. No matter how much we improve our questioning skills, our relationship with Jim is still confrontational. And no matter how relaxed and forgiving our communication becomes, we there’s still tension when we talk with Aunt Sarah. In these cases, a direct conversation to address the underlying issue might be in order.

Don’t blame your relationship for what’s really a communication issue. Good communication = good relationships = good life. Improve your communication and good things will follow.

Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.

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