Just because we hit send, fire off a text message, or post something to Facebook doesn’t mean we have communicated. Like the tango, it takes (at least) two to communicate. If our messages aren’t received and understood, it’s self-expression, not communication.
The digital communication revolution of the last twenty years has brought us new, and primarily asynchronous, ways to communicate. In asynchronous communication, there is a delay between when one person sends a message and the other person replies to it, as in emails, text messages, and (usually) in social media. Synchronous communication, on the other hand, like face-to-face conversation and phone calls, happens in real time.
Advances in asynchronous communication have given us enormous benefits. It’s never been easier to share good news widely, to quickly communicate information, and to stay in contact with people all over the world. Additionally, the organic delay in asynchronous messages provides a built-in opportunity for thoughtfulness and consideration in our communication (even if we don’t always take advantage of it).
Asynchronous communication, however, isn’t as rich or robust as synchronous communication because we don’t receive as many cues from the other person. We can’t read faces or hear voices in emails, texts, and social media postings. The absence of these cues leads to the error-prone nature of asynchronous communication that we are all quite familiar with. Asynchronous messages are easier to send, but also easier to misunderstand.
Asynchronous communication also facilitates confusion between communication and self-expression. This dislocation is easiest to see in social media postings, but can occur in any asynchronous mode. When I post “I love my dog Doozie” or “People at work are driving me crazy” on Facebook, it’s not communication until and unless someone else receives (reads) and understands my messages. This blog isn’t communication if no one reads it. It’s only self-expression—the sound of one hand clicking—until someone else reads and understands. In general, no matter what or how I say something to you in a synchronous mode, we will be communicating. Synchronous communication is hardly trouble-free, but it doesn’t suffer from the conflation of self-expression and communication that afflicts asynchronous modes.
We are now years into the digital communication revolution, and we are learning that we can’t live by clicks alone. Asynchronous communication—so profoundly useful in many situations—doesn’t provide us with all of the deep human connections that we innately crave. This explains why it’s possible to send dozens of emails, text until the keys fall off, and loiter on social media platforms and still feel strangely disconnected.
As we spend increasing amounts of our time sending asynchronous messages, it is important to remember that hitting send doesn’t constitute communication. It’s only communication when someone else receives and understands our message. Meaningful communication—the kind that forges the deep connections we instinctively desire—requires a partner.