It’s hard to forget things that finish poorly, and conversations are no exception. Research led by Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman and colleagues has shown that endings exert a disproportionate influence on our overall evaluation of people and events. They concluded that the brain relies on endings as markers (or placeholders) for how we classify things in our long-term memory. When it comes to human memory, how something ends creates a big impression.
The power of endings cuts both ways: it’s heartbreaking to watch a good person make stupid mistakes late in life, but an eleventh-hour success can ameliorate decades of struggle. A CEO or community leader can see years of steady, competent service eroded by staying past the point of declining productivity, but retiring after a major accomplishment can also rewrite the history of a formerly unremarkable leader.
Three tips will help you capitalize on the power of endings in your conversations:
- Apologize to create a better memory placeholder. Did you just lambast a coworker? Yell at your teenage daughter? Criticize your mother-in-law? You can’t afford for a harmful conversation to serve as a memory marker. Circle back and apologize to make a new and improved ending.
- Schedule your next conversation before you end a bad one. When a conversation is off track and your underlying relationship is being harmed, stop the escalation and contain the damage. Then, schedule a conversational reset for 24-48 hours later so you don’t have to live with a bad ending for an extended period of time.
- Don’t overstay a meaningful conversational moment. Most of us know the frustration of talking right over a breakthrough moment or overselling a negotiated agreement and ending up back at an impasse. Don’t let a conversational victory revert to failure by sticking around for too long. Exit the conversation on a high note to seal a good ending.
Don’t let a bad conversation become a longstanding memory placeholder. Let the end of a good conversation start a meaningful relational memory.
Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.