Routine conversations can often turn sharply and unexpectedly negative. A discussion about ongoing projects with a coworker suddenly becomes a fight about who’s responsible for losing the Gatorville account. A idle chat with your spouse about summer vacation ideas quickly transforms into a heated argument about your spending habits. A passing comment to a direct report about a new client proposal triggers an impassioned conversation you didn’t expect about unrealistic deadlines and unclear expectations.
Take three actions—Stop, Drop, and Listen—to extinguish conversational flare-ups:
Stop the escalation. The first order of business when a conversation turns into combat is to contain the discussion so it doesn’t get worse. Escalated conversations virtually guarantee relational harm as emotions rise, verbal restraint weakens, and harmful words are let loose.
Drop the intensity level. Lower the conversation’s intensity level by addressing the issue that caused the escalation and by signaling your willingness to discuss it. You can do this by saying something like “We’re both upset about losing the Gatorville account. Let’s talk about how we can make sure this doesn’t happen in the future.” “I’m sorry you feel like I’ve been spending too much money lately. Let’s figure out how we can get our budget back into alignment.” “I didn’t realize that my expectations were unclear. Let’s talk about what you need from me and what I need from you.”
Listen to the other person. Resist the urge to act like a fighter, and act more like a detective instead. Figure out what caused the flare-up. Calmly ask open-ended questions to pinpoint the root issue, and listen to your conversational partner’s responses. Have a low-key conversation to address the root issue once you understand the other person’s concerns.
Subdued and civilized discussions won’t damage your underlying relationships. Remember to stop, drop, and listen when a conversation gets hot.
Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.