People often approach conflict-laden conversations in a way that practically guarantees failure: they start with an area of disagreement and then quickly add on additional controversial issues. In short order, the conversation usually breaks down under the weight multiple divisive issues. Fortunately, there’s a better way to approach contentious conversations.
People who navigate conflict-laden discussions for a living—conversational facilitators—follow a few simple steps to encourage productive dialogue in difficult situations. Here are four facilitator tips to promote more civilized and fruitful discussion:
1. Start with mutual interests. Facilitators know that even with serious disagreements, it’s usually possible to discover mutual interests and use them to form the basis of a workable truce or a more lasting solution. Start a conflict-laden conversation by seeking out and establishing areas of common interest. Fighting coworkers can usually agree that they don’t want their antagonism to get them fired. Spouses can usually agree that they want more harmony in their marriage. Business partners can usually agree that they don’t want their fighting to bankrupt the company. Instead of starting a contentious conversation with a divisive issue, first establish areas of agreement and then proceed to the issues you need to resolve.
2. Discuss one point at a time. Difficult, contentious conversations can only handle one or two issues simultaneously before underlying emotions usually threaten to overwhelm the discussion. That’s why it’s better to address issues in conflict-laden conversations sequentially instead of haphazardly. One issue at a time can often lead to a workable truce or a more longstanding solution. Multiple issues at once are too much for most people to handle.
3. Take a break if the conversation starts to repeat. Repetition signals either conversational fatigue (see below) or that someone has retreated to a fixed position. In both cases, the discussion is at a temporary stalemate. Pause the conversation and restart it later.
4. Stop talking when the discussion stops making sense. Contentious conversations require a lot of thought and energy. If you’re not careful, you can argue to a point of mental exhaustion where additional discussion quickly becomes nonsensical. You might even forget what you were fighting about in the first place. If this happens, halt the conversation and take a break before you damage the underlying relationship.
Don’t revert to old habits the next time you have a contentious, conflict-laden conversation. Think like a facilitator instead for more productive discussions.
Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.