It’s possible to talk about difficult issues like serious work conflicts or significant marriage disagreements without causing relational damage. The only catch—and it’s a big one—is that emotions always accompany difficult conversations, which increases the likelihood of damage through escalation. This is why containment, the ability to de-escalate a conversation’s intensity level, is an essential communication skill.
But even after you’ve safely contained a conversation, you still have to talk about the difficult issue. To prevent another escalation, and to keep your sensitive conversations civilized, remember the acronym SLOW.
Slow down.
An extremely effective approach for discussing difficult issues is to slow down your responses and ask your partner to do the same. It’s ok if you talk so slowly that your voice sounds a bit exaggerated. Slowing down gives your mind time to catch up with your emotions, and is a simple but powerful way to prevent the damage from hasty words. Think back to some damaging conversations from your life. The escalation probably happened quickly because both participants had rapid-fire and retaliatory responses. That’s usually the outcome when our emotions trump our restraint. Slowing down allows restraint to elbow its way back into the conversation and safeguard the underlying relationship from impulsive and damaging words. Slow conversations are almost always safe conversations.
Lose lengthy responses.
People’s short-term memory fills up quickly when discussing difficult issues, so instead of making three points in a two-minute monologue, make one point slowly, but clearly, in less than a minute. Too much information at once causes overload and confusion (that is, people get mentally lost in a conversation). Additionally, people often get hung up on the single piece of the issue that’s most relevant to them, and consequently have a hard time processing anything else you’re saying. Keep your responses short and you’ll have a better chance of keeping the other person in the conversation.
Orient to the context.
Look around before you let loose with hasty and impulsive words. Are you in a meeting surrounded by your boss and coworkers? Are you about to unload on your beloved spouse? Are you about to criticize your kids? Let the context serve as a helpful reality check. Sadly, our damaging words usually fall on the people we care about the most, but this doesn’t have to be the case. And if you are about to blast a stranger, reconsider your planned response and figure out why you are so upset in the first place. We can control our responses, so don’t give in to the urge to lash out. Keep your conversations civil and you’ll keep your relationships intact.
Welcome and encourage a response.
Communication takes two people. Provide the time and space for the other person to understand what you are saying, and then let your conversational partner respond. Listen carefully to what’s being said because there are usually two sides to sensitive issues. Update your thinking accordingly.
SLOW communication can help you talk about virtually any issue without harming the underlying relationship. SLOW is safe, and safe is smart.
Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.