I spend a lot of time helping people improve their communication. I’ve noticed that people sometimes use expressions where the underlying meaning is very different from the words themselves. I call these phrases conversational dog whistles, and here are five of the most common.
- What we say:I want to be me.
- What we mean: I want to continue this (bad) behavior.
Authenticity is often trotted out as an excuse to perpetuate bad communication habits like yelling, interrupting, asking inflammatory questions, or stonewalling (refusing to contribute to a conversation). If you want to be yourself, make it your best self.
- What we say: We aren’t communicating.
- What we mean: You aren’t doing what I want.
Communication is not a synonym for compliance. In fact, individual free will and the desire for autonomy usually guarantee that important matters will generate robust discussion. If people are consistently compliant, it’s probably because you have some kind of authority over them and are using it to squelch discussion. Take note when people don’t share their opinions or display any resistance during important discussions. This is not normal behavior, and it may be a sign that you’ve moved away from meaningful communication.
- What we say: I can’t talk to that person.
- What we mean: I don’t want to talk to that person.
Some people are difficult communicators. But it’s still possible to talk to them, even if you don’t want to. Use the ideas from our previous discussion here to communicate more effectively with difficult people.
- What we say: I don’t understand.
- What we mean: I understand, but I don’t like it.
The fundamental imperfectability of communication—the fact that slips, errors, and confusion are endemic to human interaction—guarantees that there will be plenty of times when you really don’t understand parts of a conversation. You’ll need to state your confusion honestly in those instances to get the interaction back on track. Don’t use misunderstanding as an excuse to cloak your dissatisfaction with what you’re hearing. Directly address the disagreement instead using the SLOW communication technique.
- What we say: You’re not listening.
- What we mean: I want to keep talking until you agree.
There will be times when people aren’t listening and you’ll need to address that honestly and directly. But don’t blow the dog whistle when people simply don’t agree. Communication researchers call the back and forth in a conversation turns for a good reason: once you finish talking, the person gets to respond. Let your conversational partner have her say. That’s communication, even—and sometimes, especially—when her input is different from yours.
Communication is challenging even without coded messages and disguised meaning. Find tactful ways to get your point across instead of resorting to confusing and counterproductive conversational dog whistles.
Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.