An apology is a powerful tool for redeeming interpersonal errors. But not all apologies are created equal.
Seven tips will give your apologies the best chance of acceptance and success.
1. Be timely. Timeliness matters. Apologize as soon as you realize that you need to, because the interpersonal cost will almost always be higher as time goes by. It’s harder to undo damage with a delayed apology, but you can always render a second apology if your first one is rebuffed.
2. Be brief. Short apologies can be extremely effective. Express remorse (“I’m sorry”), take responsibility (“it’s my fault”), and reassure the other person that the mistake won’t repeat (“it won’t happen again”). You can put those three elements together (“I’m sorry; it’s my fault. It won’t happen again”) and deliver a robust apology in under ten words. People want to hear that you’re sorry, not receive a monologue about how sorry you are. If push comes to shove, just remember the first two words, “I’m sorry.” Sincerely delivered, those two words will often be accepted.
3. Don’t overdo it. Apologies can quickly become counterproductive when overused. Repeatedly apologizing for the same mistake or repeatedly apologizing to the same person gets old, fast. Frequent apologies may indicate root issues that, once solved, will reduce the need to apologize. Don’t keep apologizing for being late to work; get to work on time instead. Don’t keep apologizing for lashing out at the other person; develop conversational restraint instead.
4. Link your apology to an offense. Apologize when you have made an error (“I’m sorry for messing up the Gatorville presentation”), when you have offended someone (“I’m sorry for implying that you don’t work hard”), or when you need a protective shield against an escalating conversation and you can reasonably identify something to apologize for (“I’m sorry that our discussion has become a bit heated; I didn’t mean to upset you”). Phantom apologies—saying you are sorry for no clear reason—confuse people and make them question your sincerity.
5. Prepare for potential discussion. Your apology may trigger a follow-on conversation about the transgression itself, or lead to a dialog about an underlying issue. Listen to the other person if she wants to talk after your apology, but be ready to contain if the conversation escalates. Contain escalated conversations and you will protect your apology.
6. Don’t take people literally… After you apologize, people will sometimes suggest that an apology was unnecessary, even when it was needed and appreciated. Just like the phrases “No need to thank me” or “Don’t mention it” really means “You’re welcome” , “No apology required” or “Apology not necessary” really means “Thanks for apologizing.”
7. …except when you should. Very occasionally, “You don’t need to apologize” actually does mean that your apology was unnecessary. These situations usually come with a legitimate reason why no apology is wanted or needed. For example, you might learn that someone else is to blame (“No need to apologize—it was Jones from accounting who messed that up”), or you might discover something that the other person genuinely doesn’t want you to apologize for (“Don’t apologize for giving me your opinion—that’s what I am paying you for”). Absent a clear reason why you don’t need to apologize, the other person is really saying “Thank you for apologizing.”
Few actions soothe feelings better than an apologies. Use them appropriately when you need to get out of a hole of your own digging.
Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.