Last month a friend told me about a Cajun restaurant that had recently opened in his New England hometown. He described mouthwatering dishes like gumbos, etouffees, and dazzling desserts. When he finished talking, he was beaming, and I couldn’t wait to tell him about my favorite Cajun restaurant, Commander’s Palace in New Orleans.
But the more I talked, the less interested he became. At first I was puzzled by his ambivalence, until I realized that I was stealing his thunder. He was excited about a new restaurant in his hometown, but I trumped him by talking about an iconic and award-winning hundred-year-old restaurant. I wasn’t adding to the conversation; I was stealing it.
We inadvertently hijack conversations all the time. Adding to someone else’s story—even when your contributions are relevant—isn’t always the best course of action. This flies in the face of conventional communication wisdom, which is that new and relevant information is how we keep conversations going. But look again at what happened in the example above: my contribution didn’t extend the discussion, it stifled it.
Three rules can help you decide when your contribution is likely to improve a conversation, and when it’s likely to be counterproductive:
Rule #1: Don’t outdo your conversational partner with a bigger, bolder, or more dramatic story. Don’t describe your Lexus when your friend is excited about his new Toyota. Don’t talk about your Hawaiian vacation when your coworker is showing you pictures from Galveston. Don’t describe a big contract you landed when your coworker is telling you about a deal she just closed. Let the other person’s experience serve as the conversation’s focal point.
Rule #2: Let her story excite you, too. Show that your colleague’s story is interesting to you. Tell your friend how great the experience sounds. Show that your conversational partner’s story is impacting you through nonverbal expressions like smiling and head nodding. Share in some of the excitement of the story.
Rule #3: Extend the story by asking for more details. To keep a good thing going, ask questions like: “What was your favorite part of the experience?” “How did you discover the restaurant?” “How did you land the client?” or “What made you decide to take a beach vacation?” See what else you can learn by mining the story for details.
Let your conversational partner’s experience carry the conversation. Sharing in the moment is often more important than sharing a story of your own.
Question: Can you remember a time when someone trumped one of your stories? How did it make you feel? How did you respond? Please leave a comment to continue the discussion.
Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.