I was standing in line behind a group of irate customers who had just learned that our flight was going to be delayed by over two hours. The woman in front of me finally made it to the head of the line and calmly asked the gate agent if there was any way to get to her destination earlier.
“Ma’am, haven’t you been listening to the ten people in line ahead of you?” snapped the agent. “There aren’t any other flights to Detroit, so you’ll just have to wait.”
The agent’s inconsiderate reply jolted everyone who heard it and stimulated an urge to retaliate inside me—and I wasn’t even the recipient of the comment. But instead of responding in kind, the woman in front of me simply said “I understand; thank you.” Her courtesy broke through to the gate agent and triggered an immediate apology. The interaction highlights an important communication principle: don’t hand over the conversational keys to someone in no condition to drive.
An array of forces—like mimicry, conversational matching, and social cues—are at play when people interact. These forces encourage an overall conversational rhythm to emerge around a particular intensity level.
To visualize this, imagine an intensity dial running from 1 (low intensity; no conversational damage likely) to 10 (high intensity; conversational damage certain). Harsh words like the ticket agent’s—an 8, say—usually trigger a matching high-intensity and damaging response. But don’t let the person who’s most agitated choose the conversation’s intensity level; she’s in no condition to make a smart selection. A low-intensity response draws on the very same forces (mimicry, conversational matching, and social cues) to de-escalate a conversation and prevent damage, just as a high-intensity response escalates and usually leads to damage.
It can be a challenge not to escalate after receiving harsh words, but unless you lower the intensity level, you’re giving the conversational keys to the wrong person. Retain control of a conversation that’s on the brink of escalating by neutralizing harsh words with a low-intensity response. And don’t be surprised if you bring out the best—or at least something much better—in your conversational partner.
Question: What happened the last time you retaliated in response to harsh or inconsiderate words? Did your response trigger more conversational damage? Please leave a comment to continue the discussion.
Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.