The focus on instant communication and uninhibited self-expression in the digital age is eroding our communication restraint. And when restraint is eroded, the crucial protective space between our emotions and our responses shrinks to a dangerously small size.
To greatly simplify a bit of brain science, when our emotions are provoked, a battle plays out between the Neanderthal part of our brain and the modern part of our brain. The Neanderthal part prefers to club the source of the emotional trigger first and ask questions later. The more modern part of our brain, called the executive functioning area, cautions us to think things over before swinging the club. Our more modern brain’s ability to think before acting and to moderate our emotional responses has enabled us to live together—first in tribes, then in villages, and now in cities—without clubbing each other over the slightest provocation.
Without restraint, insults, sarcasm, criticism and other self-defeating communication behaviors occur much more readily and cause incalculable relational harm.
Twenty thousand years ago the damage we could do from a hasty response was confined to the length of our club. Twenty years ago, the damage was limited by our long-distance service. Today, there are virtually no limits on how far and wide our hurtful, impulsive words can travel, all the while leaving a permanent digital trace of our indiscretion.
Restraint, an indispensable element of effective communication, is becoming passé at the very time it is needed the most. Restraining our impulsive words and actions, after all, is a large part of what got us out of the cave in the first place.
Here are six actions you can take now to build restraint in the digital age.
- Stop talking.
- Build restraint like a muscle.
- Focus on restraining angry and frustrated responses first.
- Eliminate witty comebacks, putdowns, and insults.
- Repair the damage from restraint-based transgressions immediately.
- Give yourself credit for the things you don’t say.
In next week’s post, we will elaborate on each of these six actions to build your restraint and to expand the crucial space between an emotional trigger and your thoughtful, restrained response.