Some of our most important—and most cherished—communication occurs in ordinary moments throughout our daily lives. Many people have a misguided belief that meaningful communication is rare or only happens in times of unusual joy or success. In truth, it is the meaningful communication that usually creates the joy and success, and not the other way around.
About a year ago, as I was returning from a leisurely stroll with my one-year-old nephew Felix, my four-year-old niece Iris met us at the front door. Pretending to be a monster, she gave off a loud roar. This scared Felix, who responded with a bout of frightened wailing which, in turn, upset Iris and caused her to start crying as well. All the tears brought in the cavalry—my sister—who wasted no time in pinning the blame on me since I had kept Felix out past his naptime. It was chaos all around, everyone was upset, and I seriously considered joining the kids in their wailing.
Thirty minutes later, Felix was asleep, Iris was playing happily in the sandbox, and my sister and I set aside the chaos and frustration to relax on the patio. Our uninterrupted time lasted for only ten minutes, but I would have traveled around the world for those enjoyable, memorable, and fulfilling ten minutes.
While it is tempting to romanticize precious communication moments and assume that they only occur on special occasions, the truth is that opportunities for good, meaningful communication can happen all the time. It is the innate human desire to connect with other people that creates opportunities for meaningful communication to emerge. We can convert these opportunities into moments of meaningful and enriching communication by doing three things.
First, we have to recognize the opportunities when they arise, and understand that meaningful moments will seldom be announced by flashing neon lights. Opportunities for connection will be lost if we wait for the perfect communication moment because there’s no such thing. People, events, and even communication itself, are fundamentally imperfect.
Second, we need to resist the urge to lash out at the distractions, mild chaos, and other imperfections that are endemic to life. Restraint and patience open the door to moments of meaningful communication, while criticisms, contradictions, and complaints—the three C’s of counterproductive communication—slam the door shut.
Third, we have to relinquish the impractical desire to tightly control our interactions. It’s not possible to force meaning into a conversation or squeeze meaning out of it. Meaningful communication often occurs spontaneously, and while it can be encouraged, it can’t be forced.
And meaningful moments matter because it is through such positive interactions, over weeks and months and years, that enduring and enriching relationships are built, nurtured, and strengthened.
Don’t save your best communication for the perfect moment; instead, look for the chance to grab a fulfilling and enriching moment of connection in an ordinary experience. A meaningful life is built one conversation at a time.