The holiday season provides a convenient opportunity to signal that you are ready to let bygones be bygones in any relationships where words have come between you and someone else during the year. Maybe it’s the coworker you yelled at in a meeting, only to find out weeks later that he was going through a messy divorce. Or the vendor who you pushed too hard during a business negotiation. Or the relative you embarrassed with your debating skills at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Or the client you gave unnecessarily direct and negative feedback to.
This holiday season, pick one or two relationships where your tongue has been naughty and not nice and send a holiday or new year’s card or email. While a note won’t fix all relational damage immediately, it is a start, and it sends a signal that you haven’t written off the relationship.
Follow these five ideas to take advantage of the holiday opportunity to signal that you’re ready to move past shortsighted words and interpersonal squabbles:
1. Keep it short. You aren’t getting paid by the word; you only need a few sentences to signal that you haven’t given up on a relationship. Your note needs two elements: (a) a holiday greeting (Happy Holidays to you and your family; Season’s Greetings and best wishes for a Happy New Year), and (b) a unique sentence or two for the recipient (Best wishes for your continued success in 2013 (if the receiver was promoted or landed a big client this year); Congratulations on your new baby. You two will make wonderful parents; or You and your family are in my thoughts as you mourn the passing of your father).
2. Say you’re sorry only if you haven’t done so already. We’ve discussed that effective apologies are timely. You should have already apologized to anyone you’ve wronged in 2012. If you haven’t, get to it. An good apology can be short: I’m sorry that I raised my voice at you; I apologize for my behavior during our contract negotiation; I’m sorry for arguing with you at Thanksgiving; I apologize for not giving you more appropriate feedback. However, don’t apologize a second time in your note; it’s unnecessary and it’s a reminder of an event you’re trying to move past.
3. Don’t send a gift with your note. Separate the holiday signal from the fruitcake. Your note indicating that the door is open for a better relationship in 2013 is the gift. Disregard this advice if you routinely give a holiday gift to the other person, but consider sending the note separately.
4. Don’t second-guess yourself. Read the note once, correct typos, and send it. You won’t get in trouble for signaling that you haven’t given up on a relationship.
5. Use this technique throughout the year. Signaling that someone is important to you after a conflict, even in a simple manner like sending a note, is called making a repair attempt, and it’s something you can do all year long. Just use different stationary, and try to repair any interpersonal damage caused by your occasionally wayward tongue as fast as you can.
It only takes a few moments to dash off short a holiday card or email. This year, instead of sending cards exclusively to your friends and family, consider sending notes to the (hopefully few) people you had cross words with in 2012. It won’t make everything better overnight, but it will send a preliminary message that you hope for a better relationship with them in 2013.
Originally posted on mouthpeaceconsulting.com.