W.C. Fields’ famous quip, “If at first you don’t succeed, try again. And then quit” contains a great communication insight: Your conversational goals deserve a second chance, but a third attempt is seldom worth the increased risk of relational damage.
Each successive attempt is less likely to be fruitful because people will identify pitfalls in your logic, rebuff your appeals, and generally tire of your persuasive efforts. Indeed, your conversational partner may become more entrenched in his or her initial position the longer you persist.
Getting what you want in a conversation is tricky business because resistance is endemic to all strategic communication. It is essential to know when to pull back from a conversation that is floundering in order to conserve your goodwill and prevent relational damage. A timely exit might even allow your goal to survive for a second attempt.
It is often difficult to distinguish between normal, but transient, resistance and resistance that foreshadows a rejection of your goal. Because resistance is uncomfortable, people sometimes give up too quickly, sacrificing their goal at the first sign of resistance in order to reduce the feeling of discomfort.
There are also people who err in the other direction, and heedlessly push through firm resistance in pursuit of a goal that has already become untenable. Common examples are the colleague who continues to advocate for a project that obviously has no chance of being approved, a salesperson who keeps trying to sell an extended warranty to someone who has declined the offer many times, and your Uncle Billy when he tries desperately to convince you to vote in an upcoming election for his preferred candidate.
The communication challenge is to advocate for your goal strongly enough to overcome initial resistance, but to withdraw in the face of sustained resistance so that you can protect your underlying relationship and preserve a second opportunity to try again.
There are four commandments of strategic conversations to help you balance between effective advocacy and potentially damaging persistence:
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First: Thou shall only plead the same case twice.
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Second: Thou shall not give up at the first sign of resistance…
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Third: Neither shall thou push hopelessly through entrenched resistance.
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Fourth: Thou shall not attempt to achieve any goal without preparation.
This entry covered the first three commandants of strategic conversations. Next week, we will focus on the fourth commandment, and discuss the startling human tendency to wing it through some of life’s most important conversations.