In a recurring dream, I watch a clown wearing big, bright red shoes try to walk, but his feet are so big he can’t take more than a step or two in any direction without falling on his face. He is hurting himself and begging for my help, but I can’t reach him.
The clown in my dream is likely my subconscious agonizing over one of the most common problems I deal with in communication consulting: A person who knows exactly what he wants to accomplish, but his words keep tripping him up and leading to failure.
It’s not easy, but effective communicators consistently subordinate their words to their goal in important conversations. This single action will impact your quality of life in the most profound way imaginable: You will get what you want more often. (And I will stop having depressing clown dreams.)
The human desire for self-expression, coupled with the digital revolution’s proliferation of ways to get your message out, can make it seem like being heard is of paramount importance. It’s not. Being able to express yourself is certainly meaningful, but what you want to accomplish is far more important than what you want to say. In strategic conversations, the temporary burst of pleasure that comes from self-expression is often followed by a longer-lasting problem: your conversational goal was obliterated by your impulsive words.
Thinking before you speak will go a long way toward preventing your words from fighting your goals. Over time, this habit will strengthen and develop into a communication conscience. Don’t be surprised when, as your communication skills improve, you find yourself saying only a fraction of what is on your mind. This is your communication conscience, hard at work, protecting your most important relationships.
There will be many times when you want to express your feelings in a conversation, but be careful because feelings are not goals. Negative feelings such as I want him to know that I am upset; I want her to understand how this makes me feel are not conversational goals. Whenever you feel compelledto say something, your emotions are most likely doing the talking, and this is a warning sign that your words are about to trump your goals. If you can’t identify a good reason for expressing your negative feelings, hold them in because there is probably no underlying goal to anchor the conversation. Without an anchoring goal, a predictable cycle of retaliation, escalation, and relational damage is the most likely conversational outcome of expressing negative emotions.
Next week we will explore conversational goals in more detail. For now, remember the unfortunate clown in my dreams and try to stop tripping over your own two feet. Make your words serve your goals, and not the other way around. What you want to accomplish is always more important than what you want to say.