In a famous passage from Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland, Alice asks the Cheshire cat what direction she should take at a fork in the road. The cat asks Alice where she wants to go, and when Alice replies that she doesn’t really care, the cat says that, in that case, any road will do.
The Cheshire cat’s advice holds true for chitchat and casual conversations, but if you actually want to accomplish something in a conversation, not just any road will do. Getting what you want in a conversation requires a clear understanding of your conversational goal.
Because talking is something that people do all the time, there is a widespread belief that all you have to do to get something you want (that is, to achieve your conversational goal) is to start talking. This belief causes well-intentioned people, time and again, to flounder in important conversations. People chronically underestimate the powerful forces of distraction, confusion, and free will inherent in human communication that often cause conversations to drift away from desired objectives. These forces act on conversations even when goals are clearly outlined, but without goals the drift is almost inevitable.
Although having a clear goal doesn’t guarantee that you will achieve your objective—there are no guarantees in human communication—establishing a goal is an indispensable first step to getting what you want. Without a conversational goal, all roads lead to conversational drift.
Conversational goals are incredibly powerful because they direct your effort, focus your attention, and help you cut through a haze of trivia, tangents, and other distractions that are organic to most human interaction. Your goal is whatever you are trying to accomplish, and it is the focal point of purposeful conversations.
Goals should be realistic and simply stated. For example, if you want a colleague to revise an important client report, that is your goal. If you want a colleague to stop giving you negative feedback in public, that is your goal. When tangential or disconnected ideas are raised, don’t let the newly introduced material hijack your objective. Reorient the discussion back to your goal without abruptly jerking the conversation or silencing the other person. Crucially, don’t obsessively pursue your goal in the face of mounting resistance. Pushing forward with a conversational goal that is clearly failing can easily cause significant relational damage. Next week, we will cover techniques to help you effectively pursue your conversational objectives while striking a balance between appropriate goal persistence and persistence that is futile and counterproductive.
It is vital to set a clear goal before leaping into important conversations. In an inherently unpredictable communication environment that is full of distractions, tangents, and the free will of your conversational partner, goals will keep you out of conversational wanderland.