People habitually use more interpersonal force than is necessary to accomplish their communication objectives. Symptoms of this common error include yelling when a measured response would work, sending a blistering email when a more restrained approach would suffice, or issuing an ultimatum when a firm but gentle statement of convictions would do.
Excessive interpersonal force is often wildly counterproductive, for five reasons.
1. Excessive force makes conversational escalation likely. When you send an overly strong message that you intend to stand your ground, push back against something unwanted, or disapprove of almost anything, you invite conversational escalation. And, as we’ve previously discussed on our sister site, MouthpeaceConsulting.com, escalation causes the majority of all relational damage. Interpersonal shock and awe usually leads to mutually assured relational destruction.
2. Excessive force quickly loses effectiveness. The moment you are identified as someone who overreacts, people begin to take countermeasures to insulate themselves from you. With rare exceptions, people who routinely use excessive interpersonal force are quickly isolated. And isolation has serious consequences: Social isolation decreases quality of life, and organizational isolation increases the likelihood that errors will be severely punished.
3. Excessive force often produces the opposite of what you want. People fight hard to maintain their autonomy and freedom of maneuver, which is why many vigorous demands—quit showing up late; stop yelling at me; don’t date him—often trigger the opposite reaction.
4. Excessive force prevents self-correction. People have an amazing capacity to self-correct, but only when given the space to do so. Excessive force makes it harder for you to walk back from your words, and increases the forgiveness burden on your conversational partner.
5. Excessive force is a waste of your interpersonal capital. Save your interpersonal capital for the rainy day that is certain to come. Big mistakes, major problems, and traumatic events require significant expenditures of your interpersonal capital, and you don’t want to find yourself with insufficient funds when you need your goodwill the most.
All five reasons above point toward a singular communication principle: Apply the least amount of interpersonal force necessary to accomplish your objectives.
Interpersonal force is powerful, perishable, and unpredictable. Use it sparingly.